walls were closing in.
he was still tryin to figure out what just had happened.
the meanings had not yet formed a shape in his head.
air was running short.
Shibu once told him there comes a point that he would just stop
thinking about it all. but he didnt buy that!
lights were too dim to see.
it was just the two of him against all of her.
unlike her, he had lost the others as new ones came to surface.
corridors were filled by silence.
and he wondered where all lost things go?
the chair was empty now.

“but what if you cant distinguish?” he stared at the lights.
sadness and madness , voices and silence,  love, tears all rushing trough him. rushing, rushing, rushing. he was surrounded by lights. lights he had never seen before , or atleast had not felt before. he was just looking for darkness. for peace. waiting for peace to take over, to dominate! he was not lost! he just didnt wanted to be found!  ” what is happiness?” he wondered. that was where it all began, but soon forgotten! “can it be in madness?” he closed his eyes.”can it be hidden in voices? or can you find it in love? ” he opened his eyes , lashes clung together from the tears. lights now all blurry, surrounding him in his darkness. “what is love?”  he didnt want to continue. “love is to know when to let go” he whispered.  rushing, rushing, rushing! she was not happy, but too sweet to admit it! and for him to love someone is nothing but to see them happy! what ever that word means!
tears were long overdue! rushing rushing rushing! just this once!
but how can you let go when she’s everything all the time!?
but i love you! ok?

fuck! i can’t believe what just ceamor said! i know its true though!
remember , remember, just fuckin remember!
i need to get a hang on things. yea , right! me not him! not him anymore! at least for now! need a game plan , an angle, a start point! there’s a time frame on these things before becoming expired! never been good at this part! how much is too much and how much is too little? what’s sweet and what’s scary? what’s obvious and what’s smart!?
how does it work? should i be me or him?

wait a minute! who am i now?
— shit collateral damage! shit , shit , shit! wtf did i just said?

and once in a while,
just when things are a little bit too gray
and days are a little bit too dark,
there comes a smile out of no where!
he was gonna get it right this time. it was her or no one else.
he had figured this much out by now, THE ONE!
this time around he was gonna put them all aside, do whatever it takes! even if that means bringing down heaven to earth,
he was determined to do it all!
cause without her his days would be colorless and his world meaningless!

he had to get it right this time!

It was like what he always imagined. new faces but old stories. as if his whole universe had gone through a makeover! well not necessarily to make it prettier. but to change it, to give it a facelift! some parts he could recognize immediately; hot burger was now borger hut! he sure was going to miss it. no, not the things that had not happened yet, not new rides
and new dramas but the things he took for granted. the endless nights on roads, the laughters and talks and the every other seconds of it that he thought would last forever.
looked around, took a glimpse at the stranger in the mirror staring right into his eyes! his eyes looked tired at the early hour. he was dressed in a worn dirty denims, his shirt crumpled from his drive. his short hair dishevelled , his jaw unshaven for days, stress lines and a bump on his forehead. he looked more closely trying to find a familiar face, trying to recognize the picture in the mirror. but alas, he didnt know the guy in the mirror anymore.
it was just not him!

2:30 am and he was still awake,
he usually could sleep whenever and in whatever situation,
a break from all realities anytime he wished!
but not tonight! tonight he was loosing his sole superpower!
sound of traffic, low humming of the damn fridge, gentle drip of the tab , high-pitched squealing of a mosquito and constant arguing of the couple next door were perhaps the reasons.
or maybe it was just him and his thoughts.
maybe he was just too tired to sleep.
maybe it was just the fear,
merciless mosquito!
staring out the awkwardly positioned window, he enjoyed the amazing view. nothingness covered by lights and shadows!  the window faced the exterior of opposite building just less than a feet away! revealing nothing but walls. the building walls were lit by  dim street lights just a few stories below. he wondered how many people , just on the other side of that wall, are tring to survive. survive , survive , survive… we are all just tring to survive arnt we?! adopt and survive! a broken piece of cornish , just above the window, had definitely survived. he could only see as much details as the darkness alowed him to. but it was definitely there and was the only standing evidence of a once decorated cornish surrounding the walls.
the stronger one!
what if there was no time?

He stood there; just gazing into her eyes.
to him, it was as if there’s a whole different world behind those eyes…
pain in his back now almost unbearable
answers to his unspoken questions just rolling around in his mind…
god damnit i shouldn’t be explaining this
he sighs… he has to focus now…
now not then
“everyone gets to this point” nervously he looks around…
distractions everywhere…
focus ,focus focus…
“ups and downs…
evidently honeymoon is over,
here comes the hard part,
the part that actually matters!”
words playing around on his tongue like a content pig… just not wanin to get out…

“no one’s happy all the time… it’s getting thorough those unhappy times that matter… ”
What if she’s never happy…
the song… something about that song…
keep the heels down… i shall remember
his thoughts scattered in the universe of his mind… as lost as always.
smell of her perfume distracts him momentarily.
he sure is gonna miss it…
focus, focus , focus… just this once
“i’m not perfect, neither are you!” he clears his already clear throat.
“the rest is all up to you” distractions everywhere, a stain on his shirt grabs on eventually.
his answers in front of him, they always are.
sometimes he just decides not to see them.
why am i explainin this?
again ,again, again
Something about the damn song!
he looks at her face, her jaws moving now. looks closer, her lips also moving.
Words coming out, but he just can’t hear them!
Speak lauder damn it!
She’s talking, putting a sound to the words already twirling on his mind.
But he’s now 7 again. Playing with the snow, on the rooftop of that 50 years old building…
his mom calling but he’s just not there anymore…

Perhaps she was right…
there are alternate dimensions…
in one of which he was there…
standing … staring… playing
then but not now… not here