whatever i have it is not mine.
whatever i am it is not me.
whatever i believe it is not my beliefs.
i know that i’m not me .
i know that i’m absurd.
i understand very little of the whole.

people are defined by their purposes
purposes that are not even theirs to begin with
they run
they invest
they search
they learn
they understand
but nothing significant ever happens in a whole
lonely people getting lonelier
rich people getting richer
old people becoming older

our conducts determine our satisfaction, our happiness.
but we can’t continuously be content, we are always in search of transformation.

i have very little time
so much of it wasted
people have come and gone.
i have become them
part of them still within me
or perhaps i’m just them
no body knows me
but there’s no me
it’s just them

i made contact with Serban
not too sure why
not too sure the purpose he might serve
i guess time will tell

i pictured my future in a family
kids always part of that family… my kids
until sher came along
and i thought i would give that picture up to be with her
she’s gone but i realized that picture has faded away

working with special kids has made me hate their mothers
selfish bastards
a lifetime of fuck misery for their children
9 months is all they had to sacrifice
now they just sit and look
socialize , laugh and chat
they blame genetic, destiny and fate
Lynn knows better

then i wonder if ill even ever be capable of raising another human
its fuck serious , he/she will be partly me
but im fuck lost in my life as it is
nothing new , always been this way
times i felt i have a grasp on parts of it
times i felt thing i’m sure of
times i felt how or with who i want it
but yet always lost
always searching for things i don’t even know
how can i ever raise a person?

Then again I never knew.
I asked and asked but you never really told me.
I always felt it, but my selfishness never allowed me to really believe. and we both know you couldn’t settle for average, for medium, but it’s alright cause tonight I’ll fool myself thinking that you tried. Never again you swore to your life , but im gonna fool myself thinking that you read my madness every once in a blue moon.  And even if you don’t, it’s also okey cause all my other spammers hoping to sell me Viagra will know. I need to get it out, out of every broken piece of my heart, I need to accept. then I’m gonna fool myself that you still feel, not love, cause it was never love, or at least not the kind I have for you. Im not sure if you ever really knew me at all. You, like many others in my life, only assumed and misunderstood. and now you will always think of me as just another guy along the line, but you wear never just that to me, and this will hunt me forever. You never truly believed that I have no politics, no agenda, and no intrigue. I’m who I am; no lies and no bullshit. but it’s okay cause I’ll fool myself to believe that u sometimes did saw that in me and knew that the lies where just stupidity along with the other words.  You never really saw that I meant every word, that I fucking love you all the way, that there’s no getting past you , that I miss you like hell and when I came to my senses it was too god fuckin damn late. i believe everyone deserve a chance no matter what and no one has the right to take that away. If I had done anything then I could not have lived with myself no more.  But that’s also okay cause I’m gonna fool myself believing that if you had let it , if we had tried , if I was more patient we would have grown together. Cause we were just frigging awesome, hand in hand, singing the lamest songs in the middle of street, sharing ice cream with Mr. Radish, that’s what we were.  So I’m gonna fool myself believing that somewhere along, our paths will cross yet again.
But again, I’m just fooling myself.
Life is waiting out the window, you just have to open up and let it in she said.  But then she never knew you or knew what it was like being with you.
Regrets? I fuckin loved very epsilon second of it, even the fights felt beautiful so Im gonna fool myself some more believing that you enjoyed some of it as well.
Then again I wish we have had a second date. Cause we only had one, and I hope that sets a standard for everyone who follows as that’s what you deserve and nothing less.
Then again I wish I had seen you more in that dress, the one I loved, the one I held you in while our lips first touched.
Then again I wish I had hold you longer on that last day and kissed you more. Cause we always forget of what we have.
Then again I wish you had taken the time to get to X uploading songs on my ipod playlist (: .
but no. no regrets. just amazing memories forever.
I always wondered if I really truly meant when I told you I want your happiness even if I’m miserable. Today, at this very moment with every broken piece of my heart I say that I meant every word, that all I want is for you to be happy. To know that you have that smile upon your face again; Even if I’m not there to see it. cause you have four smiles, has anyone ever told you that?  The one that you do when you are worried but try to be nice, the one when you are being evil, the one when you are just indifferent and finally the one that I love;  the one that you mean it from deep down.

Now I know.
I wish you nothing but happiness, nothing but success. And if anyone ever treated you bad , or if you ever felt lonely or sad , know that you always have my heart. Know that someone somewhere out there loves you more than anything in this world. Know that, wherever life takes me or whatever I do you’ll always be my everything all the time.

I’m not okay
but I opened the window knowing that you are smiling, albeit only rain came in. but that’s okay as well, cause my life has always been a little wet.

w

MAR 31 , 2009 2:52 am
–  “I love you…”
–  “I was just thinking about it.”
– “There s nothing to think about…
believe…i wanna make you happy…
it’s raining again…
I’m lost… show me how … guide me…
more and more rain… now pouring…
i wish i had kissed you before you left…
my tires splashing… rain…
miss you even more “

endless road;
once it was his only way out,
once it was his relief,
but now this road,
this road was just separating him from her,
and he hated every brick of it,
every lane,
every other car on it,
and every dim yellow light on it!
he hated it all cause they all stood between them
and pain in his back didn’t make it easier,
he couldn’t stop wondering though,
what if it wasn’t like this?
how would he have known?
and what would have his passenger done?
was he the reason for it all?
how depended are the independents? new domain names .

Beneath the silver moon , he stood on a dodgy ground
as lost as always , finding a way out was his only purpose
there’s got to be some sort of balance ,
you can’t have all that you want,
it’s not how the world is suppose to work ,
people only get what they need to have ,
what they deserve to have!
he was part of them now! He had to abide by their rules.

But without her, what would keep him on the ground?
Without her, what would make him abide?
Without her, what else would he want from this place?

 But who said the world is supposed to work? liechtenstein .

Then she was gone
and he knew he would be miserable for the longest time
maybe just if things were a little different
maybe in a parallel universe
maybe only if she knew how much
but she was just gone
the new place seemed a little less shiny than when he moved in just less than a day before
the freshly painted walls screamed her name
the ceilings were star less
and although she hadn’t even stared into them yet,
they missed her eyes;
120m² of loneliness no matter how many people fill the place.

walls were closing in.
he was still tryin to figure out what just had happened.
the meanings had not yet formed a shape in his head.
air was running short.
Shibu once told him there comes a point that he would just stop
thinking about it all. but he didnt buy that!
lights were too dim to see.
it was just the two of him against all of her.
unlike her, he had lost the others as new ones came to surface.
corridors were filled by silence.
and he wondered where all lost things go?
the chair was empty now.

“but what if you cant distinguish?” he stared at the lights.
sadness and madness , voices and silence,  love, tears all rushing trough him. rushing, rushing, rushing. he was surrounded by lights. lights he had never seen before , or atleast had not felt before. he was just looking for darkness. for peace. waiting for peace to take over, to dominate! he was not lost! he just didnt wanted to be found!  ” what is happiness?” he wondered. that was where it all began, but soon forgotten! “can it be in madness?” he closed his eyes.”can it be hidden in voices? or can you find it in love? ” he opened his eyes , lashes clung together from the tears. lights now all blurry, surrounding him in his darkness. “what is love?”  he didnt want to continue. “love is to know when to let go” he whispered.  rushing, rushing, rushing! she was not happy, but too sweet to admit it! and for him to love someone is nothing but to see them happy! what ever that word means!
tears were long overdue! rushing rushing rushing! just this once!
but how can you let go when she’s everything all the time!?
but i love you! ok?

fuck! i can’t believe what just ceamor said! i know its true though!
remember , remember, just fuckin remember!
i need to get a hang on things. yea , right! me not him! not him anymore! at least for now! need a game plan , an angle, a start point! there’s a time frame on these things before becoming expired! never been good at this part! how much is too much and how much is too little? what’s sweet and what’s scary? what’s obvious and what’s smart!?
how does it work? should i be me or him?

wait a minute! who am i now?
— shit collateral damage! shit , shit , shit! wtf did i just said?

and once in a while,
just when things are a little bit too gray
and days are a little bit too dark,
there comes a smile out of no where!
he was gonna get it right this time. it was her or no one else.
he had figured this much out by now, THE ONE!
this time around he was gonna put them all aside, do whatever it takes! even if that means bringing down heaven to earth,
he was determined to do it all!
cause without her his days would be colorless and his world meaningless!

he had to get it right this time!