whatever i have it is not mine.
whatever i am it is not me.
whatever i believe it is not my beliefs.
i know that i’m not me .
i know that i’m absurd.
i understand very little of the whole.

people are defined by their purposes
purposes that are not even theirs to begin with
they run
they invest
they search
they learn
they understand
but nothing significant ever happens in a whole
lonely people getting lonelier
rich people getting richer
old people becoming older

our conducts determine our satisfaction, our happiness.
but we can’t continuously be content, we are always in search of transformation.

i have very little time
so much of it wasted
people have come and gone.
i have become them
part of them still within me
or perhaps i’m just them
no body knows me
but there’s no me
it’s just them

i made contact with Serban
not too sure why
not too sure the purpose he might serve
i guess time will tell

i pictured my future in a family
kids always part of that family… my kids
until sher came along
and i thought i would give that picture up to be with her
she’s gone but i realized that picture has faded away

working with special kids has made me hate their mothers
selfish bastards
a lifetime of fuck misery for their children
9 months is all they had to sacrifice
now they just sit and look
socialize , laugh and chat
they blame genetic, destiny and fate
Lynn knows better

then i wonder if ill even ever be capable of raising another human
its fuck serious , he/she will be partly me
but im fuck lost in my life as it is
nothing new , always been this way
times i felt i have a grasp on parts of it
times i felt thing i’m sure of
times i felt how or with who i want it
but yet always lost
always searching for things i don’t even know
how can i ever raise a person?