hi
i spoke to serban after 5 years
maybe even 6 … not too sure
he got his phD in philosophy
stayed 2 years unemployed looking for a job
gave up the search and studied law
he graduated with a  bachelor of law just in February
he’s planning to find a job in law
he considers this sequence of his life as failure
i told him to look at it as mere adventure
but who am i to give the man advice?
he’s probably around 65  …not too sure
he told me he wouldn’t advice anyone to live like this
in pursuit of knowledge
not too sure if his purpose was to learn or to make money out of this knowledge
he told me to specify and specialize
i didnt understand what he means , i thought he meant career wise
we said we’ll keep in touch

i talked to Hoss just a bit after
he was trying to put out his laundry on the rope in the garden
we talked for a bout an hour
topics varied from his background to his current status then his plans
he then asked about me
and i discovered something tonight
felt like a light bulb lighting up in my head just like cartoons
and funny thing is , i knew this before tonight but i never realized
i needed these two people to remind me and make me understand
i just need to focus
i’ve had no passion … no determinism for anything lately
that’s how everything got fucked up
that’s why i’ve become lost
i just need to focus
and i need to limit my exposure to the outside
bye

whatever i have it is not mine.
whatever i am it is not me.
whatever i believe it is not my beliefs.
i know that i’m not me .
i know that i’m absurd.
i understand very little of the whole.

people are defined by their purposes
purposes that are not even theirs to begin with
they run
they invest
they search
they learn
they understand
but nothing significant ever happens in a whole
lonely people getting lonelier
rich people getting richer
old people becoming older

our conducts determine our satisfaction, our happiness.
but we can’t continuously be content, we are always in search of transformation.

i have very little time
so much of it wasted
people have come and gone.
i have become them
part of them still within me
or perhaps i’m just them
no body knows me
but there’s no me
it’s just them

i made contact with Serban
not too sure why
not too sure the purpose he might serve
i guess time will tell

i pictured my future in a family
kids always part of that family… my kids
until sher came along
and i thought i would give that picture up to be with her
she’s gone but i realized that picture has faded away

working with special kids has made me hate their mothers
selfish bastards
a lifetime of fuck misery for their children
9 months is all they had to sacrifice
now they just sit and look
socialize , laugh and chat
they blame genetic, destiny and fate
Lynn knows better

then i wonder if ill even ever be capable of raising another human
its fuck serious , he/she will be partly me
but im fuck lost in my life as it is
nothing new , always been this way
times i felt i have a grasp on parts of it
times i felt thing i’m sure of
times i felt how or with who i want it
but yet always lost
always searching for things i don’t even know
how can i ever raise a person?

my stomach is growling.
can’t decide if i’m hungry or i have had too much.

truth be told i dont remember my last meal.

sher left.
well
to be fair she said she wants to take a break
and i just didn’t see a point after that.
what does taking a break mean anyway?
another way of letting you down gently.

i didn’t fight nor argue… there was no point
i don’t think it would make a difference
things been bitter between us for a while now
she might be happier this way.

as for me, what i have inside of my heart from her
is isolated from whether she’s with me or not.
i’m not dependent.

well
maybe somehow to the indigenous factors of her existence within me.
but again that’s not affected by anything outside.
i remembered something i came across awhile back
“the culture of dependency in our life has weaken the natural man”
and i guess i’m liberated from that now

my goldfishes are still alive
i get joy from looking at them every morning

my backpack is now all empty
emptier than ever
i feel light and heavy
do i feel sad? lonely?
even if i do
no one to blame but myself
just pure choices
consciously or unconsciously
all my choices

nothing to bound me
no one left on my side

i thought of people surrounding me all day
maybe we do just consume one and other until all is left
is just bare memories

in her case
i hold inside much more than just memories
and that, she cant take away

my stomach is growling

to the world you thought you lived in…
smile like you mean it
and let yourself let go…

i want a new beginning
i need one…
and i might not deserve…
but im taking my chances
i cant live in my little shell like them
this is good for me
my own first new year
my own first haft-sin
my own life

So I smiled and tried to mean it
To let myself let go

یا مقلب القلوب و الابصار
یا مدبر اللیل و النهار
یا محول الحول و الاحوال
حول حالنا الا احسن الحال

happy new year…
to me more than anyone else…

فکرشو کردی؟
یک ماه شد
یک سال دیگم گذشت
یادم نمیره هیچ وقت
تو شمال
زیر کرسی تو باغ حاج اقا
با علی نشسته بودیم به حل کردن پیک نوروزی
خیلی وقته رنگ و بوی بهار همرنگ کودکی هام نیست
انتظار برای بیداری

بوي عيدي
بوي توپ
بوي کاغذ رنگي
بوي تند ماهي دودي وسط سفره ي نو
بوي ياس جا نماز ترمهء مادر بزرگ
با اينا زمستون و سر مي کنم
با اينا خستگي مو در مي کنم
شادي شکستن قلک پول
وحشت کم شدن سکه ي عيدي از شمردن زياد
بوي اسکناس تا نخورده ي لاي کتاب
فکر قاشق زدن يه دختر چادر سيا
شوق يک خيز بلند از روي بته هاي نور
برق کفش جفت شده تو گنجه ها
عشق يک ستاره ساختن با دولک
ترس ناتموم گذاشتن جريمه هاي عيد مدرسه
بوي گل محمدي که خشک شده لاي کتاب
بوي باغچه بوي حوض عطر خوب نذري
شب جمعه پي فانوس توي کوچه گم شدن
توي جوي لاجوردي هوس يه آب تني
با اينا بهار و باور ميکنم

Funny how things work out
its fucking hilarious

there’s nothing “meant to be” nor “meant not to be”
there’s no single “path”
no destiny
free will bounded within reason in every dimension
meaning and truth based within our rationality

now I’m
UP IN THE AIR

“How much does your life weigh?
Imagine for a second that you’re carrying a backpack.
I want you to feel the straps on your shoulders. Feel them?

I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life.
You start with the little things.
Things on shelves, in the drawers, the knickknacks, collectibles.
Feel the weight it all adds up.

Then you start adding larger stuff.
Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, linens, your TV.
The backpack should be getting pretty heavy now.

You go bigger.
Your couch, your bed, your kitchen table, stuff it all in there.
Your car, get it in there.
Your home, whether it’s a studio apartment or a two-bedroom house.
I want you to stuff it all into that backpack.

Now try to walk. It’s kinda hard, isn’t it?
This is what we do to ourselves on a daily basis:
we weigh ourselves down til we can’t even move
and make no mistake; moving is living

Now, I’m gonna set that backpack on fire.
What do you wanna take out of it?
Photos? Photos are for people who can’t remember.
Drink some ginkgo and let the photos burn.

In fact let everything burn and imagine waking up tomorrow with nothing.
It’s kinda exhilarating, isn’t it?

…

This is how I start everyday of my life.
Now this is gonna be a little difficult, so stay with me.

You have a new backpack.
Now this time, I want you to fill it with people
Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office.

And then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets.
Your cousins, your aunts, your uncles. Your brothers, your sisters, your parents.
And finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend.

Get them into that backpack.
Don’t worry I’m not gonna ask you to light it on fire.
Feel the weight of that bag.
Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life.

Feel the straps cutting into your shoulders.
All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises.
You need to carry all that weight.
Then you set that bag down.

Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically for a lifetime.
Star-crossed lovers, monogamous swans.
We are not those animals.

The slower we move, the faster we die.
We are not swans, We’re sharks.”

We are not sharks,
we are aliens here.
unlike animals , whom very existence poses a purpose somewhere within the nature’s ecology
we have no defined place here, no defined purpose
natural creatures at odds with the nature we are

liberation from dogmatic and tradition has not only challenged our identity
but our very existence…
who we are in present?
is this our home?
what inspires us to be?

all i know
all i believe
all my truth
is nothing but
flying alone is too damn lonely
let everything else burn

wish you a life full of your kind of happiness sis
fly
cause life’s too damn short
too short to get stuck anywhere along

Knowledge : justified true belief

i have no belief!