this is stupid
half way through the dinner i blanked out
its like summer all over again!
the truth is i miss her
and i dont want to have stupid dinners with stupid people who don’t know shit about me
and i dont feel like making stupid conversations
and i dont feel like listening to stupid conversations about stupid things and pretend to care
and hell , i don’t even feel like putting the effort
george will make fun, masoud will get a laugh out of it and fawzi would probably ask for her number
whatever
i just want house! hell i wish i had a friend like him! wilson is so fuckin stupid! if house was my friend i would cook dinner and let him do all the crazy things he wants.
and no! we r not discussing how stupid i am to even want to be friends with a character from a stupid tv show!
and i want a stupid SLR nikon camera! D 5000 or D200 or D90 to be exact! i need!
but they r all just stupidly priced! and i’m stupidly broke!
so how’s the viagra market going? i heard the crises has boomed your market!
keep me posted
au revoir

i think bad romance is one of the saddest songs i’ve heard but then that’s just a lunatic’s opinion
i think serious moonlighting was good in a weird way
i think the frames are also good
i think this , this is my life
i think sherlock holmes was better
i think i miss house more than anything right now
i think when change finds its way into your life it will spread into every fucking aspect of it
i think i don’t know if i’m happy but i’m still grateful
i think xmas eve was fun – ish
i think i’m worried
i think i worry too much about things that are out of my hands
i think she is right
i think armin is gonna be meh
i think i think just too fucking damn much
i think you should fuck off now and so should I
au revoir

My days are just numbers. I fought and now i’m tired. they say twenty-one days is all it takes to form a habit. how many days do we have? how many days have past? how much is lost?  how much life can we live? can we make a habit out of living? what does it take to live? can we just be here?

I think of nothing.
I have happiness and I have a purpose
I am loved and I’m in love within harmony
I’m blessed and I’m thankful
I’m successful and I’m at peace
There’s no future and there exist no past
just absolute present

I’m here

If anyone’s here , it’s by their own choice. i take no responsibility how my writings might affect anyone. i can not be held accountable for anything i write here. some might be true , some pure product of my imagination. I have made this blog comment-free long ago.  I don’t particularly need either your hatred , nor your pity. keep your advice for someone who gives a shit! my spammers are most welcome to  find new ways to advertise viagra here.

I was running in my mind.
There, nothing can go wrong.
The truth is I’m freely bounded, now more than ever.
how much is lost?
afterlight there are no tomorrows and there exists no yesterdays.
Incase you are wondering, that is your eye.
That’s just how I see it today; exactly how I feel now.
I need my twenty one days, but it just doesn’t start.
I had a weird dream, and it was about you.
At a photo-shoot; specifically a fine art nude photo shoot.
but I don’t understand art, and I wasn’t even there.
I saw flashes and shadows.  There were no faces.
I was scared; scared of finding you there.
fear kinda feels different in dreams, doesn’t it?
I am at an absolute present now.
I feel I need to dissolve somewhat somehow.
but enough about me, how does it feel to be you?

Then again I never knew.
I asked and asked but you never really told me.
I always felt it, but my selfishness never allowed me to really believe. and we both know you couldn’t settle for average, for medium, but it’s alright cause tonight I’ll fool myself thinking that you tried. Never again you swore to your life , but im gonna fool myself thinking that you read my madness every once in a blue moon.  And even if you don’t, it’s also okey cause all my other spammers hoping to sell me Viagra will know. I need to get it out, out of every broken piece of my heart, I need to accept. then I’m gonna fool myself that you still feel, not love, cause it was never love, or at least not the kind I have for you. Im not sure if you ever really knew me at all. You, like many others in my life, only assumed and misunderstood. and now you will always think of me as just another guy along the line, but you wear never just that to me, and this will hunt me forever. You never truly believed that I have no politics, no agenda, and no intrigue. I’m who I am; no lies and no bullshit. but it’s okay cause I’ll fool myself to believe that u sometimes did saw that in me and knew that the lies where just stupidity along with the other words.  You never really saw that I meant every word, that I fucking love you all the way, that there’s no getting past you , that I miss you like hell and when I came to my senses it was too god fuckin damn late. i believe everyone deserve a chance no matter what and no one has the right to take that away. If I had done anything then I could not have lived with myself no more.  But that’s also okay cause I’m gonna fool myself believing that if you had let it , if we had tried , if I was more patient we would have grown together. Cause we were just frigging awesome, hand in hand, singing the lamest songs in the middle of street, sharing ice cream with Mr. Radish, that’s what we were.  So I’m gonna fool myself believing that somewhere along, our paths will cross yet again.
But again, I’m just fooling myself.
Life is waiting out the window, you just have to open up and let it in she said.  But then she never knew you or knew what it was like being with you.
Regrets? I fuckin loved very epsilon second of it, even the fights felt beautiful so Im gonna fool myself some more believing that you enjoyed some of it as well.
Then again I wish we have had a second date. Cause we only had one, and I hope that sets a standard for everyone who follows as that’s what you deserve and nothing less.
Then again I wish I had seen you more in that dress, the one I loved, the one I held you in while our lips first touched.
Then again I wish I had hold you longer on that last day and kissed you more. Cause we always forget of what we have.
Then again I wish you had taken the time to get to X uploading songs on my ipod playlist (: .
but no. no regrets. just amazing memories forever.
I always wondered if I really truly meant when I told you I want your happiness even if I’m miserable. Today, at this very moment with every broken piece of my heart I say that I meant every word, that all I want is for you to be happy. To know that you have that smile upon your face again; Even if I’m not there to see it. cause you have four smiles, has anyone ever told you that?  The one that you do when you are worried but try to be nice, the one when you are being evil, the one when you are just indifferent and finally the one that I love;  the one that you mean it from deep down.

Now I know.
I wish you nothing but happiness, nothing but success. And if anyone ever treated you bad , or if you ever felt lonely or sad , know that you always have my heart. Know that someone somewhere out there loves you more than anything in this world. Know that, wherever life takes me or whatever I do you’ll always be my everything all the time.

I’m not okay
but I opened the window knowing that you are smiling, albeit only rain came in. but that’s okay as well, cause my life has always been a little wet.

w

MAR 31 , 2009 2:52 am
–  “I love you…”
–  “I was just thinking about it.”
– “There s nothing to think about…
believe…i wanna make you happy…
it’s raining again…
I’m lost… show me how … guide me…
more and more rain… now pouring…
i wish i had kissed you before you left…
my tires splashing… rain…
miss you even more “

Stop
clear your mind
just let it take over
calm yourself
“everything will be alright”
random thoughts now and then
“I’m here”
but music everywhere
don’t fight it
now just white noises
keep on going
dreams eating away my sleep
Run ; Dance
do I belong here?
chained inside this outside

everything is gonna be alright
just not today
not just yet