walls were closing in.
he was still tryin to figure out what just had happened.
the meanings had not yet formed a shape in his head.
air was running short.
Shibu once told him there comes a point that he would just stop
thinking about it all. but he didnt buy that!
lights were too dim to see.
it was just the two of him against all of her.
unlike her, he had lost the others as new ones came to surface.
corridors were filled by silence.
and he wondered where all lost things go?
the chair was empty now.

oh come on! give me a break, i held up my end of the bargain! or atleast i thought i did! or is it just part of the plan? the big plan you supposedly have laid out for all of us!? how the fuck is this fair, you know what? fuck that plan! can’t we just for once get what we want? what about me? what about me? what about me? and fuck me too , cause i just want too much , don’t i? what is it that we are looking for? what is it that keeps us going? i’m off that track , i am further than i thought , rnt i? then fuck me too!

 I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions.
I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses
And my history to the anesthetist and my body to surgeons.
…
The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me!

“but what if you cant distinguish?” he stared at the lights.
sadness and madness , voices and silence,  love, tears all rushing trough him. rushing, rushing, rushing. he was surrounded by lights. lights he had never seen before , or atleast had not felt before. he was just looking for darkness. for peace. waiting for peace to take over, to dominate! he was not lost! he just didnt wanted to be found!  ” what is happiness?” he wondered. that was where it all began, but soon forgotten! “can it be in madness?” he closed his eyes.”can it be hidden in voices? or can you find it in love? ” he opened his eyes , lashes clung together from the tears. lights now all blurry, surrounding him in his darkness. “what is love?”  he didnt want to continue. “love is to know when to let go” he whispered.  rushing, rushing, rushing! she was not happy, but too sweet to admit it! and for him to love someone is nothing but to see them happy! what ever that word means!
tears were long overdue! rushing rushing rushing! just this once!
but how can you let go when she’s everything all the time!?
but i love you! ok?

fuck! i can’t believe what just ceamor said! i know its true though!
remember , remember, just fuckin remember!
i need to get a hang on things. yea , right! me not him! not him anymore! at least for now! need a game plan , an angle, a start point! there’s a time frame on these things before becoming expired! never been good at this part! how much is too much and how much is too little? what’s sweet and what’s scary? what’s obvious and what’s smart!?
how does it work? should i be me or him?

wait a minute! who am i now?
— shit collateral damage! shit , shit , shit! wtf did i just said?

and once in a while,
just when things are a little bit too gray
and days are a little bit too dark,
there comes a smile out of no where!
he was gonna get it right this time. it was her or no one else.
he had figured this much out by now, THE ONE!
this time around he was gonna put them all aside, do whatever it takes! even if that means bringing down heaven to earth,
he was determined to do it all!
cause without her his days would be colorless and his world meaningless!

he had to get it right this time!

It was like what he always imagined. new faces but old stories. as if his whole universe had gone through a makeover! well not necessarily to make it prettier. but to change it, to give it a facelift! some parts he could recognize immediately; hot burger was now borger hut! he sure was going to miss it. no, not the things that had not happened yet, not new rides
and new dramas but the things he took for granted. the endless nights on roads, the laughters and talks and the every other seconds of it that he thought would last forever.
looked around, took a glimpse at the stranger in the mirror staring right into his eyes! his eyes looked tired at the early hour. he was dressed in a worn dirty denims, his shirt crumpled from his drive. his short hair dishevelled , his jaw unshaven for days, stress lines and a bump on his forehead. he looked more closely trying to find a familiar face, trying to recognize the picture in the mirror. but alas, he didnt know the guy in the mirror anymore.
it was just not him!